


Panic

by nothing_doing



Category: Nikita (TV 2010)
Genre: Actually ended up okay in my opinion, F/M, Got redone, This is really kinda horrible, Totally didn't happen, Weird, would have been cute though
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-13
Updated: 2015-04-13
Packaged: 2018-03-22 15:38:32
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,307
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3734233
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nothing_doing/pseuds/nothing_doing
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Nikita gets panic attacks. I don't think I've ever had one so if I did a terrible job, sorry.<br/>Also, I got this idea from another fanfic, though, curses upon my memory, I can't remember where I even read it :(<br/>If anyone thinks this is too close to another fic, just let me know. I will happily take this one down, I just personally think it is different enough to be okay.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Panic

**Author's Note:**

> I redid this.  
> But kinda don't want to delete this. Idk why.  
> So here's a link to the other one. http://archiveofourown.org/works/4463681  
> That hopefully will work?

Sometimes she would go an entire month without one of the dreams, other times it would happen every night for weeks. When they were on the run together he would always be there to help her breathe.  
In division she would just get up and go to the gym, physical pain would put down the mental. But sometimes she would weaken and go in search of him instead. The first few times she just knew that she had to see him, so she searched him out and talked to him for a while. The third or fourth time, she wasn't quick enough on her feet to come up with a good excuse.

"Hey" Nikita walked into his office.  
"What are you still doing awake?" Michael didn't want her to do badly in her courses because she was tired.  
"I slept some but I woke up and I came here." Her face took on an embarrassed look.  
"Why did you come here?" Her face got redder. "I'm supposed to make sure you're at your best for training." She looked down slightly, "do you wanna talk about it?"  
She almost shook her head, but then paused and said instead, "it happens, some weeks more than others, and sometimes not at all." She remembered slightly and started shaking.  
"Nikita, who am I?" He tried to stay calm but the frightened look on Nikita's face, which was usually so calm, was scaring him.  
"Michael." Her voice trembled when she spoke.  
"Look at me, you're here, in division. You're with your handler and you're safe." Really worried now he got up. After closing the door he went over and hugged her.  
Her breathing slowly came back to a normal pace. When the trembling was gone too he slowly let her go. "Thank you Michael." Nikita's voice was quiet but controlled now.  
"Nikita, if it ever happens again please just come find me." He had gone back around his desk so he could look at her.  
Her only response to that was a nod. "I'd best go." Still quiet, but firm on this point.  
"Hope you can get some more sleep." Michael told her as she slipped back out the door.

Then she had been on the run alone. She woke up almost every night panicking. This time instead of searching anyone out she would just drive. As the days went by she got more and more tired and had to stop more and more.  
When she would stop just by the side of the road she wouldn't get much sleep but enough to carry on. When she slept in the woods she got more sleep but she woke up panicking afterwards more often.

Now she was back with them, but on a plane which was really not a restful thing for her. So when she woke up she would just get up. But she could no longer go to the one man who had ever been able to help her with this, because he wouldn't even touch her.

 

Michael knew about the panic from the first time she came to him, she had been shaky then and he had wondered what had her up. He had looked at the tapes from her room and seen her dream take a turn for the worse. Watching her whimper and cry had almost made him go find her again. He had refrained not so much because. So when she had come to him again, he had hugged her to try and make it better.

When they were on the run he would just move over in their bed and wrap himself around her. She would calm slowly, but he could comfort and help her as best as he knew how.

When she was on the run it hurt him immensely, he couldn't be near her, couldn't help her, and it nearly killed him. The fact that he knew she would panic worse without him just made it more terrible.

Now she was back again. He wasn't supposed to touch her, wasn't supposed to want to. But the knowledge she's back sometimes still makes him giddy.  
When it's night he sometimes hears her whimper. Sometimes hears her call his name. He can never answer because he's still so mad. He knows it's not fair to blame it all on her but the fact remains that she could have stayed.  
Some nights he can't stay away, he knows she's jumpy but she has never awakened from sensing him. So he goes and sits by her bed, when the nightmares come he lays a hand on her head. When she whimpers he puts his hands around one of hers.  
Other nights he will hear her from across the airplane and the anger will just overtake him. When that happens he goes to find Birkhoff. Nerd, as Nikita calls him, will stay with her for a night so Michael can go beat a punching bag.

Birkhoff tried to talk to him about it one night. "Michael, you got to give it up man. You can no more stay away from her than I can stay away from computers."  
"Leave it Birkhoff." His voice was low enough to almost be a growl.  
Birkhoff put his hands up in surrender. "Fine. But have you realized that the times when you have me watch her have gone down dramatically?" Taking Michael's dumbstruck look as a sign to continue, Birkhoff went on. "When she first came you watched her for a week. Then when you were certain she was staying you had me watch her, for at least a week straight. After that you took a night then I took a couple and so on. At this point the last time I watched her was over a week ago and then just because you were on the ground while we were in the air."  
"Birkhoff." His tone held all the warnings in the world. "Is there a point to this?" Michael walked away, not expecting him to answer.  
"Despite the fact that you'll try to take my balls off, the point is obvious: you can't live without her. What you're currently doing so that you can be near her is creepy and stalkerish, even if you're both madly in love and want to screw each other's brains out."  
Birkhoff finished his rant against the wall, where Michael pushed him. "Leave it, I said." There had been a small groan from behind them.  
"Michael?" Came Nikita's voice, dreaming but about to wake.  
He quickly walked over to her. "Sleep Nikita, I'm here." She immediately quieted back into peaceful sleep. Michael glared at Birkhoff, daring him to comment.  
"I'm gone, goodnight lovebirds." Birkhoff closed the door behind him before Michael could find something to throw.

Things got interesting for Michael because he continuously had to stop himself from touching her, awake or asleep. When she was sleeping, all he wanted to do was climb in with her. When she was awake, all he wanted to do was kiss her.  
Birkhoff would occasionally send him funny looks. Michael would then look down and see he was flexing and clenching his hands. He would then force his mind to stop thinking about Nikita and return to the job at hand.

 

Nikita had seen the looks between them and wondered but not asked. She had her own problems. Michael was avoiding her.  
She missed him desperately. She couldn't touch him or talk to him anymore. She craved his touch though, so she had to be careful of how close to him she got. She would sometimes find herself reaching for him before she remembered she shouldn't.  
So far she hadn't had too much trouble with sleep, mostly because she was tired but also because when she started having trouble Birkhoff would wake her up before it got too bad.

 

She went to sleep in a bad state of mind and had spent an hour tossing and turning. When she finally fell asleep she still moved around, calling Michael's name.  
Michael sat and stared at her for half an hour before he finally went over to her. "Nikita." His voice was soft and barely audible, but she heard. She flipped over to be facing him and called out his name again. Her arm actually came off the bed to reach for him.  
It finally became too much for him. "Nikita." This time it was louder, clearly audible. She jerked awake.  
"Nikita, I need to..." He pointed to the bed. "Please." Not trusting her voice, Nikita did as he asked, sliding forwards slightly to make more room.  
He quickly shucked off his jeans, because he knew she hated them against her skin, before climbing in. He settled down after working an arm beneath her and rolling them both slightly. She had her back to his chest and her head tucked beneath his. His arms wound around her, keeping her as close as possible.  
"Sleep." He said it in her ear, causing her to shiver slightly before settling back into an easier sleep. He couldn't sleep quite so easily but after a few minutes of listening to her peaceful breathing he too fell asleep.

Birkhoff found them in the morning and grinned quietly at them before leaving them to their sleep.

When Michael woke up he took in his surroundings, first noticing Nikita and then Ryan watching them. "Ryan, what is your problem?" Michael stared at the man currently interrupting his sleep.  
"Birkhoff told me and I had to see it. I'm obviously not as quiet as he is." Ryan had a good natured smile on his face.  
"Leave it Ryan, I have no clue what we are to each other but I need to be touching her. Right now that's all I want. Also be forewarned that I have a gun beneath the pillow and if you don't leave I'll knock you out with it. Couldn't wake Nikita now could we." Michael said it all so calmly and so quietly that Nikita didn't even twitch in her sleep.  
"Fine." Ryan smiled again before leaving.

When Nikita woke up, her reaction was much less calm. She started shaking, slightly at first but slowly growing in intensity. She normally, didn't panic so quickly after waking but the only thoughts going through her head were about Michael. Images from her worst nightmares over the months she had been gone, coming back with a vengeance. Images of Michael, hurt, dying, hating her. Michael holding her in sleep again had brought out all the terrible things she wanted to forget.  
She tried to calm down, not wake Michael up. But the attempt was useless. She was shaking uncontrollably and gasping for breath.

Michael woke again with Nikita shaking. Knowing something was wrong even in his sleep. He noticed the panic rushing through her. "Do you want me to leave?" His voice was quiet, misjudging the reason for her panic.  
Nikita clutched his arms, shaking even harder. "No, please no." Her voice was desperate.  
She was unable to stop the pour of images and thoughts. Memories were resurfacing, dreams were resurfacing, now in safety, now in Michael's arms. "Nikita." Just her name being murmured gave her something to hold onto, not getting lost in her mind. He could feel the slight change in her only because he knew her so well.  
"It's fine, I'm staying. Hush. You're fine. I'm here..." He continued speaking, murmuring endlessly, feeling her settle slowly into him with every word he said.  
It may have been hours later or it may have been minutes before she could breath normally again. Her shaking finally subsided and she lay limp in his arms.  
"You didn't have a panic attack all the time you've been here, why now?" His voice was concerned now but unhappy as well, blaming himself for the panic attack.  
"Because you're here now." She felt him try to leave but held on to him tightly as she continued. "I managed to keep it partitioned off. All the stuff that just came up was stuff about you, nightmares I've had. I needed to let that all out at some point. You being here must have been my trigger. This is also the worst panic attack I've ever had."

He thought back to the panic attacks he had witnessed. Some were worse than others but generally him being there or touching her was enough for her to regain her equilibrium. He had always thought that though she liked having him there, she would have managed without him as well.  
He thought about the one she had just had. She had refused to let him leave. This time he had known instinctively that just holding her wouldn't be enough. The talking, murmuring, full body contact, had been necessary. He had pulled her through this one instead of just letting her take strength from him and being a witness.

"It would have been much worse if it had happened while you weren't here. I had a couple pretty bad panic attacks the first weeks I was gone." Her voice trailed off showing her discomfort.  
"Please tell me." Still wrapped around her, he whispered by her ear.  
"They were about you, and you weren't there." She grew silent until he squeezed her slightly. "I just kept panicking, I couldn't stop. I ended up dehydrated and starving. That's about when I knew I wouldn't be able to do it without you, I started compartmentalizing those dreams and was able to keep going." She could feel tears running down her face at the reminder of some of those dreams.  
"Nikita, shhhh. You're okay now. I got you." Michael went back to trying to comfort her. He brought one arm up to slowly stroke through her hair. When she slowly fell asleep in his arms he wasn't far behind.


End file.
